It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
