That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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