He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
