i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
