I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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