I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
