it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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