2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
