I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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