Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
