I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
