I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
