To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
