life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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