Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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