I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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