Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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