If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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