I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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