Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
