my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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