i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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