I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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