why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
No subtext here. People are naked.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
