PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
