o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
