I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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