"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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