i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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