I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
