i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
