this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I wish life had little blips of pornography
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
