the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If I die, sorry about rent.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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