I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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