Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
