the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
