my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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