I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
