dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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