i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
