Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
