Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
