dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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