God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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