My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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