he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
