You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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