I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
