I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just want to make out with him forever
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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