6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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